I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
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