Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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