that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I have already put on my inside pants.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
