so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
