so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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