Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
