is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
