just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
