How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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