I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
