i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
