After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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