she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
