Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
