I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
