Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
