I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
