That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
