The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
