I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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