My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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