she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
