Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
