I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
