If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
