I like my sex mixed with concussions.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
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