Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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