good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
