My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
