So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
lets start a swedish sibling band together
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize