Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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