you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
