I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
