I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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