I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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