yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
i think i just lost a toe
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
