I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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