We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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