My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Randomize
