sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
