You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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