Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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