I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize