we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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