just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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