I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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