So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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