I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
