Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The air was thick with penises
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
