You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
