I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
