Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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