id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
