There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
