I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
