i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
