Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
