Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
