My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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