non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
