he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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