What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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