why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize