She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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